Sometimes feeling lonely while you are truly alone is better than feeling alone around others.
It’s a weird feeling to have, nothing feels entertaining, everything just feels, for the lack of a better word…. empty….
People will offer their company up freely, but honestly, you don’t want it… yet at the same time you crave some form of human interaction. Anxiety rises with the confusion of not knowing how to rectify the feeling.
Going to sleep early to make the time pass faster in the hope of a new day bringing possible relief of new feelings. Wishing away the hours which causes more anxiety as you don’t want to push through the one life you have….
Weird moments of euphoria, pushed aside and back into hollowness…. these are the feelings of loneliness. Trying to distract yourself with menial tasks or small creative projects…. knowing someone will be home soon only to find annoyance with their company….
Thoughts lead to overthinking, overthinking leads to random stress, all served as a starter leading up to the main meal….. night terrors…. sleep not bringing the relief you want…. waking up with sweaty skin and a blurred reality, tired from the acid like trip your mind threw you into….
Stress and anxiety, unknown feelings laced with confusion…. all a skilfully made cocktail, shaken and stirred up just for you…. served up from the hand of the devil himself…. a week washed away by doubt, fear, worry, stress and last but not least… my unshakable friend…. anxiety….
All these leech like feelings, all at once. People say you should embrace your feelings like you would embrace your fiends, but how can I embrace my feelings when the feelings I would be embracing are my worst enemy’s and my worst nightmares!
I don’t want to think, or overthink…. I would rather just avoid all of that human emotional kind of thing…
people can sympathise but no one can truly empathise, they say they can…. but can you imagine how that conversation would go:
Friend: so tell me what’s wrong, are u ok?
Me: I feel so lonely right now…
Friend: I have felt like that too but you have me and your family!
Me: yeah, but it’s weird… I feel lonely but I feel worse and more lonely around other people… like they are there but I don’t feel like I am truly present.
Friend : oh…. but why…. I mean company wouldn’t make your more lonely… maybe we should just chat some more….
Me: you don’t understand…. I feel lonely inside, like I am missing something that doesn’t exist, I can’t tell you what it is or what I should do about it because I don’t even know…. nothing I do makes it go away… it’s just there…
Friend: maybe we should go out… make you stop thinking about it…
Me: why? So I can feel more lonely around other people? Be invisible and more than likely the downer girl?? No thanks, I just want to be on my own…
Friend: well I can’t help you then… you say you are lonely but u want to be alone? You are strange…. anyway call me if you need me….
And at that point your know, they don’t know how to help you and neither do you, so they just leave it at that, a weak attempt of trying to help,….
It’s like the world is just whizzing by at a million miles an hour, one big blur…. but you are standing still trying to keep it all in focus…. the only thing you actually achieve from this is feeling disoriented and still… alone!